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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS FROM UMLILO'S CHAIN GANG VIDEO

Umlilo’s new video came out this past Sunday, and immediately became my favourite new video. Seriously, just take your wig off right now and post it to Umlilo, before they have to come and snatch it themselves. I imagine several wigs around the country spontaneously combusted upon viewing the video. If yours was one of those wigs, calm down and learn these lessons. Do it for Rita. 

LIFE IS A CATWALK HONEY, STAY ON FUCKING FLEEK.
Yeah it’s a funeral; yeah it’s a church. But if you’re familiar with the SA funeral scene, you know the look always has to be on point. Seriously, I will jump the fuck out of my luxury vehicle replica coffin and kick you the fuck out of my funeral, if you come to my last event on this planet looking unconsidered.


COFFIN-SIDE SELFIES SHOULD BE A THING ALREADY
Like really tho, if your friends are serving their hottest face at your afterlife event, it’s only fair to let them share it. Besides, how will anyone know they were at the funeral of the year if it’s not on instagram?


TEQUILA IS THE HOLIEST WATER
Hallelujah


FUNERALS CAN BE HIGHLY STRESSFUL, MISS US WITH YOUR NON-SMOKING WAYS.


IN THE WORDS OF QUEEN MOTHER, NAOMI CAMPBELL, “CHECK YOUR LIPSTICK BEFORE YOU SPEAK TO ME”
I have always held these words dear, ever since the Queen Mother uttered them on her show, The Face. Because dear, if you’ve gone to the trouble, got yourself beat to within an inch of perfection, why should poorly groomed randoms feel comfortable spouting shit in ya presence? Nah boo, check ur lipstick, be on point.


IF YOU’RE GON BE A COKE-HO, KEEP YOUR DAMN NOSE CLEAN. PLEASE.
Just basic manners really, but some basics out here on these dirty streets always need to be reminded


IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON ATTENDING YOUR OWN FUNERAL, HERE IS HOW TO DO IT:

1. CHECK YOU LIPSTICK, DUH!

2. SMOKE A FAG, YOU’RE DEAD, IT’S FINE

3. FUCK IT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL

4. THIS IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS, BUT SOME OF Y’ALL IS SLOW: WEAR A RED BODYCON DRESS

AND TOP IT OFF WITH A WHITE VEIL.  SERIOUSLY, TRUST UMLILO, THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO WALK INTO YOUR OWN FUNERAL


LASTLY. PREACHERS ARE PASSÉ, GET UNCLE KARL ON IT
Karl Lagerfeld once said, “Don’t dress to kill, dress to survive.” I’m sorry but that right there is all the spiritual guidance I need in life.

AND NOW, IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE VIDEO, CHECK IT OUT BELOW:

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